Insert Irrelevant Title Here, aka the new SW spoof
by Jandalf the Orange
Summary: Something random. Heck, I don't even know what it's about. So read it, and flame me. Chapter 4 is up!
1. In which Lindo Skybaker is introduced

Wheeeeee!!! This is something I wrote with way too much spare time on my hands. And way too much sugar in my system. And way too little sleep for my poor little brain. And stuff. Ohh, my little friend showed up. Say hi to the readers, dude!!

Sir Utinni: …

Well, the fact that Sir Utinni is a chocolate chip at the bottom of my latest bag of milk chocolate Chipits has nothing to do with the fact that he can't talk. Besides, if we really wanted him to talk, we could just label him as one of the voices in our head, couldn't we?

Sorry, talking to my multiple selves again. Runs in the family, you know.

Anyways, here's the disclaimer.

Anything that appears as if it doesn't belong to me, belongs to somebody else.

With me so far? Good. Here we go.

A New Spoof, Which The Narrator Writes Because The Narrator Has Too Much Spare Time And Thus Makes Extremely Long And Redundant Titles To Pass The Above Mentioned Time. The Narrator Does Not Really Expect Anyone To Actually Read This, But If You're One Of Those People That Has Nothing Better To Do, Such As The Narrator, You Might As Well Read This Title. Having Said That, The Narrator Shall Get On With The Spoof As Soon As The Narrator Figures Out Exactly What The Above Named Spoof Is Supposed To Be About. We're Not Really Sure About That Yet.

****

****

A few minutes later, an idea hit.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, YOU DID NOT READ THE TITLE!!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO READ THE TITLE!!! Even when it's completely redundant. 

So the title's useless. So what?

Anyway, the Narrator decided to make yet another Star Wars spoof because the Narrator wanted to.

Hmm…still no ideas.

…

THWACK 

;ajgoiajiojav;iae;oiaeil;awoilifjieajv;8938vqoijtglk;ug89bnil;guaa

Owwwwww. Not to say that I don't like inspiration, but I _hate_ it when it hits me like a brick wall and I fall off my chair. And just look at what happened a few lines ago when I hit my elbows on the keyboard in anguish.

Hey…wait. I didn't know I could type in Dutch.

Oh, well. On with the spooooooooooofffff…

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… 

Lindo Skybaker spat out her iced tea. It tasted like wet sand. She looked into the plastic thingie that held the powder and sniffed…

Someone had poured out her iced tea powder, and put in sand.

They would pay. Oh, how they would pay…She curled her fingers into tight fists and marched back into the kitchen.

_Chelsegorn: Whoozat?___

That's Lindo, Chelsegorn. Remember her from LOTC?

_Chelsegorn: Ohhh…right._

Sorry about the interruption. Anyway…

Beside the heap of iced tea powder on the floor stood the household protocol droid. It waved at her cheerily.

She scowled nastily at it. "You dumped my iced tea."

"Mistress Lindo, I discovered that someone had put sand into your plastic container, so I poured it out here," it indicated the heap of powder, "and replaced it with iced tea powder."

"**YOU POURED OUT MY ICED TEA POWDER AND PUT IN **SHEET!!!!!**" she screamed at the hapless protocol droid.**

The droid began to quiver. "But Mistress—"

"**QUIT CALLING ME MISTRESS!!! I AM HER ROYAL HIGHNESS **PRINCE _BAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**" **

The droid shook so hard, a bolt came loose. "Forgive me, your Highn—"

Lindo took out a little remote thingie and pushed a small red button.

The protocol droid fell into a random rancor pit.

"There," said Lindo, quite satisfied as the trapdoor closed and the rancor pit vanished.

She looked outside the window at her uncle coming in. Uncle Gary was very good at being a moisture farmer…unfortunately, he didn't seem to notice that they lived on a rainforest planet.

He entered and said, "There. Harvested at least 152763 litres today."

"But Uncle—"

"No, no, we already went over this. The villagers need water and I'm the only one who can supply it to them."

Lindo simply pointed out the window to the nearby lake.

Her uncle glared at her. "Do you want me to lose my only source of income?"

"But you didn't have to surround the whole lake with an electric fence!!!"

"Do you want your allowance or not?"

She considered. "Can I try to drain the lake?" 

"Sure. Now run along and do your chores."

"Don't wanna."

"Doesn't matter. Do your chores or else."

"But—"

"No."

"BUT—"

"No."

She stuck out her tongue at him, walked into her room, and locked the door.

"LINDO!!" he shouted. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR ROBOTIC AUNT??!!??"

Dun, dun DUN dun, DUN dun DUN **DUN** DUN, **DUN DUN ****DUN DUN dun, dun dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnn…**

Yeah. Music and stuff. Ask me to sing it for you later if you're reading this without me.

So, meanwhile, above the planet Lindo was on, a big triangular shaped ship thingie floated around, trying to punch holes into a smaller ship.

The smaller ship rocked under the blows, was finally unable to fight back, and was pulled into the larger ship's hold with a combine beam.

…I mean a tractor beam.

Whatever.

Soldiers in the smaller ship gathered around the main entrance, blasters at the ready, waiting…

The door began to smoke as some idiot gave it a cigar.

Wait…no, that's not what I meant to say. The door began to smoke as some idiot began to cut it open. Yeah.

The soldiers tensed.

The door blew open and stormtroopers poured in, blasters firing.

Here's the short version: all the soldiers died, along with about one and a half of their number in stormtroopers.

More scary music.

Darth Vader, Dark lord of the Sith, stepped in ominously. And tripped. And fell flat on his helmet.

The stormtroopers tried to contain their laughter.

They all got choked, and died.

Vader got up, some of his dignity still left. Uh…never mind. Sith don't really have dignity, just arrogance. And stuff.

He walked to the end of the hall and picked up a random Rebel by the throat. This particular Rebel happened to be captain of the ship, so it is now evidently very doubtful that Vader picked him out at random.

"We're on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan," the captain sputtered, trying to pull himself away. The fact that his feet were off the ground really sucked, for him.

"Then where's the ambassador?" Vader thundered. 

Unfortunately, the captain died.

Vader threw him down, disgusted.

He and his remaining stormtroopers looked up at the sound of falling footsteps at the end of the corridor.

There stood a very big man. By big, I mean tall and ripped. As tall as Vader, and far too ripped. And he was bald, a cinnamon bun pasted with icing to both sides of his head. And he held in each hand a blaster.

"I live my life one quarter of a mile at a time," said Vin Diesel, assuming everyone has watched "The Fast and the Furious", and fired at Darth Vader.

The Sith deflected the shots with his lightsaber as the stormtroopers finally came out of their shock and fired stun bolts at the huge ambassador.

After about ten stun bolts, Diesel finally went down. The stormtroopers had a time dragging him out of there, I can tell you.

Meanwhile, an unnoticed escape pod spiraled down to the surface of the nearby forest planet, Tatooine.

The next day, Lindo's uncle decided he needed to buy a new robotic aunt. So when the Jawa caravan arrived, he went out to meet it.

The Jawas put out many different models of droids, and Lindo's uncle walked up to them and inspected.

He came up to a protocol droid. "Hmm. Can you speak the binary language of moisture gatherers?"

"Of course, sir. It's like a second language to me. I—"

"That's very nice," he cut in. "But I have no need for a protocol droid."

"Of course you haven't, sir," the droid responded cheerfully. "Besides, who would need moisture gatherers on a rainforest planet such as this?"

Uncle Gary glared at the droid. "Stupid logic circuits. Oh, well. I changed my mind. I do need a protocol droid, though you probably won't last very long around here with _her." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Lindo standing behind him._

"Oh, dear," the protocol droid murmured.

Lindo pointed at a red astromech unit. "Perty garbage can," she said, sucking up.

"Oh, okay," her uncle said, and paid for the R5 unit.

The R5 unit suddenly exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere.

"SHEET YOU JAWAS," Lindo shrieked, found a perty blue one, and walked away with it.

"Now," said her uncle as they walked back to the house, "you treat this protocol droid nicely. It's in prime condition and I want it to stay that way, you hear?"

"No," said Lindo in her stupid voice, "I'm deaf."

Her uncle rolled his eyes.

Next chapter coming as soon as I feel random enough to type it. Probably tomorrow.


	2. In which Lindo meets Jandalf again

Yay! Chapter 2! Thanks for the review, spifferoonigirl!

Now for more caffeine and general loopiness! 

"Have a bath," said Lindo as she pushed the protocol droid, C-3PO, into a vat of hydrochloric acid.

He sank in until the liquid was level with his neck, fizzing and bubbling. "It feels so good to have a—"

"SHUT UP!!" she snapped. "I HATE BABYSITTING, ESPECIALLY DROIDS, SO MAKE MY JOB EASIER AND STAY QUIET!!!"

Threepio stood in the vat silently.

Lindo turned to R2-D2, the astromech droid, and scowled at him.

All of Artoo's carbon scorings vanished without a trace. Threepio silently looked on in wonder.

She got down beside Artoo and found something stuck in a gear. She got a huge pair of pliers and began tugging at it.

Artoo tootled as it came loose, and a hologram suddenly appeared out of his projector. Lindo stared at the image of Vin Diesel.

"Who's that? He's got pastry stuck to his head."

Threepio remained silent.

"ANSWER ME, MECHANICAL SLAVE!!!!!"

"A person of some importance, I believe," he hurriedly replied. "I'm not sure, though. We were only passengers on the ship."

Only then did Lindo realize that the hologram of Vin Diesel was speaking. Or attempting to, anyway.

"So…uh…duh, help me out, duh…Jandalf…uh…Kenobi…duh…you're my only…duh…what's the word? Uh…oh yeah. Hope. You're my only hope." *static* "So…uh…duh, help me out, duh…Jandalf…uh…Kenobi…duh…you're my only…duh…what's the word? Uh…oh yeah. Hope. You're my only hope."

The image repeated this continually while Lindo stared at it.

"Cool. He's big and bald and stoopid. I wanna marry him."

Threepio tried to comprehend this prime example of absurd human behavior. "But, Mistress—"

"Don't call me Mistress. Call me sir."

"But, sir—"

"Heehee, I like that."

"But, sir—"

"Shut up."

Threepio remained silent.

Artoo beeped and whistled, and the recording vanished.

"Okee-dokee, I'm going to sleep now," said Lindo, and turned out the lights.

Next day, Lindo awoke to find she had absentmindedly fallen asleep without leaving the room that was the previous setting, and that she was lying in a little puddle of lubricant.

She glared at it. The puddle vaporized.

Lindo looked around for the two new droids. "Hey, where are you?"

Threepio activated in a corner.

"QUIT HIDING AND TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!!!" Lindo yelled at him.

His casing rattled as he quivered. "It wasn't my fault! He ran off because he felt like it—"

Lindo glared at Threepio, who cringed. "Great. Now I gotta look for him, or Uncle Gary won't let me have Death Crispies of **DOOM** for breakfast. Well, don't just stand there like a constipating bantha, go warm up the landspeeder."

Threepio hurried over to the speeder while Lindo packed rations of chocolate and her macrobinoculars.

Poor Artoo kept getting stuck in potholes and tripping over fallen lemurs. He calculated an ETA of fifteen minutes to his destination if he kept it up at this rate.

The above mentioned destination was around a corner five meters away.

Artoo tootled pitifully as he took another tumble over a lemur lying in the middle of the road.

_POUNCE!!!! He was suddenly surrounded by thousands of Jawas. The lead Jawa immobilized him, and then the Jawas realized that they had already done this prior to the last scene, and disappeared into the bushes._

Artoo came to his senses (however droids do that) a few hours later, realized he had set a misleading ETA, tootled miserably, and began heading on his way again.

Lindo zoomed along in her landspeeder, Threepio exclaiming in terror as she hurtled by trees, missing them by a 152763rd  of a millimeter. 

"FOUND 'IM!!!!!!!!" Lindo screeched, smashing into Artoo.

The astromech exploded and everyone in the universe died of a chain reaction.

LINDO!!!! **YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!**

"Awwwww…"

Lindo found Artoo and screeched to a halt right before she hit him—

"How can I screech to a halt when I'm in a landspeeder? They don't have wheels to make screechy noises."

Well…tough. You screeched to a halt anyway.

"Grumble mumble…"

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Artoo whistled at the close call, and tumbled over the nearest lemur.

Lindo got out and shoved him back up. "WHERE'D YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING???!!!???!!!!!???"

Artoo tootled at her, pointing his zapper thingie in the direction of his destination. 

"DON'T CARE!!! WE'RE GOING BACK HOME **NOW!!!!!!!**"

The only problem that was caused by Lindo's yelling was the immediate attraction of the local Tusken Raiders, who were having a cocktail party in the locality. So Lindo went to go see, because this was a very rare event.

"You droids stay here and sing a song."

Threepio stood dumbly.

"SING!!!"

 Threepio's head blew up.

"Oh, sheet. I'll fix him later." So she went to watch the drunk Tusken Raiders from behind some dead bushes.

In the middle of the party was a person in bright orange robes handing out drinks to the Tuskens and getting them to play drinking games. She was very evidently trying hard not to laugh her head off.

Lindo was so confused at this, she ran into the middle of the clearing and yelled, "I'M A GORILLA!!!!!"

"No, you're not," responded Jandalf, who handed another Tusken a pina colada.

Lindo blinked. "Who're you?"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to know that already."

"Oh, well. Who're you?"

"Jandalf Kenobi. I'd offer you a drink…but I don't think you need one."

"Why are you giving the Tusken Raiders drinks?"

"I'm taming them." Jandalf grinned. "They're perfectly harmless when they're drunk."

Lindo considered this, and shrugged. Then she remembered something. "Vin Diesel's looking for you. Or at least my droid is."

"Huh?"

"C'MERE, YOU LITTLE TRASH CAN!!!!" screamed Lindo.

Artoo wheeled in, tootling miserably.

"He thinks you own him," continued Lindo. "I really don't know how I know this, cuz the sheety one never told me, but I do anyways."

"Curious," said Jandalf. "I don't seem to recall owning a droid."

"Neither do I," responded Lindo.

Jandalf blinked. "But…that's your droid, right there."

"Oh. Yeah. I remember now."

Jandalf shook her head. "Can you just play the message? The droid, I mean."

Artoo obediently started up his holoprojector.

"Uh…duh…General Kenobi, years…um…ago you…uh…helped out my dad in the war…and stuff…uh…he kinda needs some more help…duh…doy…cuz the Empire's bein' stoopid again…uh…duh…So…uh…duh, help me out, duh…Jandalf…uh…Kenobi …duh…you're my only…duh…what's the word? Uh…oh yeah. Hope. You're my only hope."

The image vanished.

Lindo looked at Jandalf. "It didn't do that for me. STUPID GARBAGE CAN!!!" She kicked Artoo.

Jandalf's eyes were wide. "Wow. And I thought he was ugly as a baby."

Lindo stopped kicking Artoo. "You knew him as a baby? Ehhhh???" She began to get confused.

Jandalf shrugged. "I don't really know how it works either…but I've been around since before the Clone Wars."

"Huh?"

"Don't ask," Jandalf advised. "It's safer that way."

"…ummm…OK…" 

"So," Jandalf mused, "we need to go to Alderaan."

"We? WHAT?!?!?!?"

"Contrary to the movie, I'm actually not too old to do this sort of thing…but since you need to be incorporated into the story, you've got to come with me."

Lindo was shocked. "And save the galaxy? What do you think I am, some sort of HERO??!!!????"

"Coulda fooled me."

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"**

So after Lindo had lost her voice, Jandalf tried a rhyme-thingie to let her speak again…and it would have worked except for the fact that Lindo all of a sudden began to gag on a rubber chicken that had mysteriously appeared in her throat. After coughing it out, beating Jandalf with it and laughing hysterically, Lindo decided to go anyway, since she currently had nothing better to do.

_Note to reader: if you are confused with the previous paragraph, about the rhyme-thingie and stuff appearing randomly, read Lord of the Clings, also by me, the Narrator. You may find the above-mentioned spoof on FanFiction.net where I am known as Tahl: Grand Admiral. I'm sure you should have no problem finding it if you know how to turn on your computer._

Anyway, on with the story.

They headed for Moss Eisley after some trouble getting Lindo's landspeeder started up again, since it had mysteriously been filled with rubber chickens.

"Mooooo," said Lindo.

"Mooooo," said Jandalf.

"Tootle-ootle-mooooo," said Artoo.

"Oh, my," said Threepio.

And they were off.

Yup, yup, yup.

Um...did I do a disclaimer yet?

...Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Sorry, I forgot.

Yeah.

Chapter 3 should come in sometime in the near future. Hey, I'm not like an online thingie that updates every week, you know.

TTFN


	3. In which Chelsegorn comes into the spoof

AAAANNNNNDDDD...here's Chapter Three!!!! Introducing our replacement for Han Solo and Chewbacca!!

Yes, you heard me right. Our replacement. That's singular.

Oh, yeah. A note to my readers. I mentioned LOTC in chapter 1. That's Lord of the Clings: the tale of the Queen of Saranwrap, also by me but under the name Tahl: Jedi Paradox.

READ IT!!!

Anyhoo, here we go again.

A rather interesting freighter landed at the Moss Eisley spaceport. It was called the _Thousand Birdie._ We don't really know what possessed the captain of the _Thousand Birdie_ to name it that…but…oh, well. That's OK too.

Moss Eisley was named such because it was a city in a rainforest, and had moss plagues occasionally. Hopefully that explanation will clear up the name.

The _Birdie landed with a few sputters and wheezed to a halt in the off-center middle of the bay._

The captain got off the boarding ramp and stretched and yawned. 

"Gosh, what a trip."

"Hrrrrrnnnn."

"Shut up. I don't know why I listen to you."

The guards looked into the bay in surprise as the captain chatted with herself.

"Arf raauuuurrrr wwwarrrrrraaauuurrr."

"Quit talking so fast. I can't understand a thing you're saying."

"Auurrraur."

"Yeah, that cantina over there looks good."

"Urf."

The landspeeder slowed as it entered the city.

Well, it was supposed to slow. But Lindo was driving, and she didn't feel like slowing down. After mowing down a few Jawas and one Bith, the stormtroopers decided to check out what was going on.

"It's all right," said Jandalf as Lindo finally slowed down, stopping with a jerk. "I'll handle this."

The stormtrooper captain guy came up. "Where are you taking these droids?"

"That's none of your business," replied Jandalf, subtly waving her hand.

The stormtroopers all twitched simultaneously and the captain echoed dumbly, "None of our business."

"Go home," implied Jandalf. 

The stormtroopers all gave another twitch as the captain turned to them and said, "We're going home now."

"And once you're home," Jandalf continued, "all of you must give yourselves a good long swirlie."

_Twitch-twitch.__ "And once we're home, we all must give ourselves a good long swirlie." The captain nodded and marched off, the stormtroopers following him, still twitching._

Lindo stared at the stormtroopers. "I wanna do that."

"Later. Right now we have to find a way to get offplanet. We'll have to sell your landspeeder."

"But—"

"Do you want to go on adventure thingies or not?"

"Noooo—"

"Quit whining and sell the friggin' thing. Meet me in the cantina; I'll try to find a suitable captain."

Lindo sulked and thought of using the landspeeder money to buy herself a new computer.

"Absolutely not," said Jandalf, just taking a wild guess from the look on Lindo's face. "We're not spending that money on anything but a ride to Alderaan."

Lindo wondered what Alderaan was like. Probably stupid and boring. Oh, well. Maybe she could hijack the ship they were going to take and RULE THE GALAXY—

"I said no," Jandalf called from the entrance of the cantina.

Lindo pouted. She looked around, and saw a Jawa. "HEY YOU!! You want a landspeeder?"

The Jawa shook its head and babbled meaninglessly.

"You want to buy this landspeeder," said Lindo, waving her hand, trying out the mind trick.

The Jawa shook its head and babbled meaninglessly.

"SHEET YOU JAWAS!!!" Lindo screeched and took out a random rubber chicken. "I'M GONNA WHACK YOU WITH THIS UNTIL YOU BUY THIS LANDSPEEDER!!!"

The Jawa cowered and handed out a wad of credits.

"Nice doing business with ya," said Lindo, and headed into the cantina, the droids following her.

"WAIT OUTSIDE," she yelled at them.

Artoo burbled and posted himself by the door, Threepio nervously trying to hide behind his counterpart.

Lindo looked around inside the dingy cantina, and headed up to the bar for a drink.

"Iced tea," she ordered, and waited while it came.

An Aqualish burbled something at her, and a smallish humanoid translated. "He doesn't like you."

"I don't care," said Lindo, and received her iced tea.

The Aqualish and smallish humanoid blinked, both somewhat confused. The humanoid put in, "You're supposed to care! I have the death sentence in five systems!"

"So?" said Lindo, finished her iced tea. "What if I don't care?"

The pair got so extremely confused, they spontaneously combusted.

"Huh," said Lindo, not caring, and ordered another iced tea.

Jandalf tapped her shoulder. "C'mon. I got us a ride."

"Who cares?" said Lindo.

Jandalf glared at her. "Not you, but I happen not to care about the fact that you don't care. Come on."

Lindo grumbled, finished her iced tea, and reluctantly followed the bright orange robe that wove through the crowd.

Chelsegorn was arguing with herself at the table.

"I thought I told you last time never to pick up hitchhikers!"

"Arrrrfff rrrraur."

"I don't care how nice you think these ones are! We're not giving them a ride if they don't offer enough credits to get us out of the hole."

"Hurf."

"We have credits, you know," said Jandalf, sitting at the table. Lindo sat down also and stared at Chelsegorn.

"How much? No less than seventeen grand for the trip, and two thousand in advance."

"Okay," said Jandalf, laying a credit chip on the table.

"Oooh," said Chelsegorn. "You've got yourself a ship."

Lindo scowled. "That was a boring bargain. Couldn't you guys argue or something? I mean, honestly, that was probably the most boring deal I've ever witnessed."

Jandalf glared at her. "I don't care."

Sorry it was shorter this time. I ran out of sugar. More later.

WHEEEEE!!!!!!


	4. In which our Heroes and Villains Faint f...

(kavamm) Oh, look, it's chapter four.

It's short…so sue me. Elf, hope you like your interactions. Heehee.

Prepare to face the brief insanity.

***

So after paying Chelsegorn with the credits they had acquired from selling Lindo's speeder, they followed her to the ship, which Lindo stared at as soon as it came within her view.

"What a hunk of junk! I could make something better out of the shrapnel of that sheety R5 unit that those Jawas tried to sell."

"Be nice to everyone and quit complaining," said an irritated Jandalf.

"I can't. It's against my programming." Lindo pouted all the way up the boarding ramp and into the _Thousand Birdie._

Chelsegorn, still somewhat irritated with herself, suddenly stopped halfway to the cockpit, turned around, and stared at her passengers.

Lindo and Jandalf blinked simultaneously.

Then Chelsegorn screamed, "LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!!!!!!!!" 

"YAY!!!!" screamed the other two, and they began doing the Chicken Dance.

Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…_DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!!_

La-la-la-laaaa, la-laaaa, la-laaaa-laaaaa!! La-la-la-laaaa, la-laaaaaa, la-laaaaaa!!!!! La-la-la-laaaaa, la-laaaaa, la-laaaaa-laaaaaa…La-la-la-laaaa-laaaa, la-la-la-_la!!!!!_ (doo-doo-doo-doo!!)

Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!! Dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun, dunna-dunna-dunna-dun…_DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!!!_

So after three hours had passed, the trio of chicken dancers collapsed in the corridor, happily exhausted. For who could possibly resist the Chicken Dance?

***

Captain Bob the stormtrooper marched cautiously into Docking Bay 94 (you know, the one with a big "94" chiseled into the moss next to the door). This docking bay in particular was notorious for having repeatedly housed some of the worst…and most insane…criminals the galaxy had to offer. Not to mention Lord of the Clings characters…

But Captain Bob bravely suppressed a shiver of fear, posing as a model for the troopers following him in.

The boarding ramp was down, and the odd chicken-like music that had been emanating from inside the freighter all of a sudden cut off. He approached slowly, thinking it must be some sort of nasty trap that these fugitives had set up.

Now he was close enough to hear the whispered words that came from within: "Hey, guys, what rhymes with 'pie'?"

The answers came swiftly, as if the others were accustomed to doing this sort of thing.

"Buy."

"Guy."

"Tie."

"Kibbles," came a prissy electronic voice, then a loud _thud,_ as if someone had kicked this droid in annoyance.

"All right…" came the first voice. "Uh…lessee…Kibbles To Buy, A Guy Eating A Tie, Appear In My Hand An Extra Large Cream Pie!"

*kavamm*

The last thing Captain Bob saw before getting pied was a flash of orange robes.

All the other stormtroopers screamed and ran away.

"TEACH YOU!!!!!" Lindo and Chelsegorn screamed after them, satisfied with the dastardly deed.

Jandalf rubbed her hands together in delight at the pathetic sight of a stormtrooper sprawled out on the ground, helmet covered in cream. "I bet he saw that one coming. Such slow reflexes. Right, then, let us away."

"TALLYHO!!!!" screeched Lindo as Chelsegorn raced for the cockpit.

And they were off.

***

__

Whizz-kazoo-whoop-voip-bang-poof-kavamm-noise-thingie-zoom!

Besides the _Thousand Birdie_ being the weirdest sounding ship in the galaxy, it worked pretty well.

Considering.

Lindo and Jandalf screamed in terror and general insanity as Chelsegorn hurtled them out of the atmosphere in 2.5 seconds from takeoff. She then typed in a string of coordinates that left the keypad flaming, and yanked them into hyperspace:

__

Yoink-whoosh-bang-zoomie-thing-ma-bob-elongating-star-noise!

This new set of really stupid noises made them all laugh hysterically as they smashed into the back of the cockpit, and then began floating against all probability.

At the rate they were going, they reached Alderaan in five minutes, give or take one 152763rd of a second. They became excruciatingly confused at the fact that Alderaan was still there, because somehow they knew it wasn't supposed to be…

Jandalf shrugged. "I recommend not landing yet, and sending out a warning signal."

Chelsegorn stared at her. "But they'll think we're nuts."

"Too late."

"Hmm…good point." Chelsegorn sent out a warning signal to evacuate the planet.

"Also," continued Jandalf, "I recommend keeping our collective eyes peeled for the Death Star, its arrival being imminent and all."

Lindo pointed out of the cockpit. "Death Star."

They all looked. "Ooo, purty."

"Let's blow it up."

"Good idea."

***

Too bad the general populace of Alderaan hadn't listened; even insane people know what they're talking about sometimes.

**__**

VOIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm…in case you hadn't guessed, that was the sound of a planet being eradicated into generic tiny bits.

***

Aboard the Death Star…

"SHEET!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed the Vader who was Darth. "THAT WAS SO EVIL!!! LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!"

There was an Imperial Grand Moff standing beside him who was looking at him rather strangely. Grand Moff Éowyn Skywalker, to be precise, aka Elf with a Lightsaber. Yes, she was an Elf here, and yes, the lightsaber she had stolen from Luke still hung at her belt.

"We've already blown up Alderaan," she said patiently. "We can't do it again."

Vader somehow appeared to be flustered. "Erm…erm…well…I meant I wanted a replay."

"It wasn't recorded."

"Sheet."

"You're a big fat liar. MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!" Éowyn screamed. "BRING IN THE PRISONER!!!!!!!!"

"He's already here, sir," called an officer from the corner of the room.

"I knew that. I was just testing you." Éowyn turned to Princess Vin Diesel. "There you are."

Logic would have that someone like Vin Diesel wouldn't be that hard to find, him being so huge and all…but then, Vader's stupidness and Éowyn's confusion were mostly due to the massive improbability field that was currently fluctuating around the Death Star.

Diesel was currently standing there, vacantly staring off into space. "Uh…?"

"He's impossible to torture," muttered Vader. "The lights are on, but there's no one at home."

Éowyn blinked, and began giggling.

"LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH," shouted Jandalf, marching into the room.

Vader turned around, and became horribly horribly confused. "…What…?"

Éowyn smiled and waved. "Hi, Master, what's up?"

Jandalf stopped in her tracks. "_Padawan?_ What are you doing here?"

"Oh, not much, really. Want some garlic?"

"NO!!!!" Jandalf pinched her nose immediately. "PUDT DHAT AWAY!!!"

Éowyn magically produced a Ziploc bag and dropped the garlic into it. "Now, where were we…oh, yeah…17'5 4 (0|\|5P1|24(`/!!!!!!!"

Vader scratched his helmet. "What?"

"Pbadawadn," Jandalf said, "some beoble don'dt udderstadd l33dt."

"Fine. IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!"

While Grand Moff Éowyn was screaming about conspiracies, Jandalf holding her nose in disgust, and Vader scratching his helmet in confusion, Lindo and Chelsegorn snuck around, put Vin Diesel on a skateboard, and wheeled him out.

When Vader finally thought to turn around and check on their prisoner…he was gone.

"OH NO!!!!!" howled the Sith lord. "HE EVAPORATED IN CONFUSION!! NOW WE CAN'T TORTURE HIM!!" He pointed accusingly at Jandalf, who was still holding her nose. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!"

Jandalf laughed, almost forgetting to keep her nose plugged. "I'mb alreddy dedd, you fool."

Flustered, Vader ignited his lightsaber and tried to go off after whoever had snuck away with Princess Diesel, but Jandalf jumped in front of him and held out her staff with one hand, the other still pinching her nose.

"YOU SHALL DNOTD PBASS!"

Grand Moff Éowyn had just stood there this entire time, grinning insanely and holding the bag of garlic. But by now she had forgotten why the garlic was in a bag, took it out, and ate it.

Jandalf's eyes widened. She could somehow smell it even though her nose was plugged, and she fainted.

Vader caught a whiff of the garlic through his filter, and promptly fainted.

Every single stormtrooper in the room fainted as well.

Éowyn caught a whiff of her own breath…and…come on, take a guess…fainted.

***

More to come…later, likely. Heh.


End file.
